The Decatur Classic with its lush greens, treacherous turnpikes, and perilous curbs, is known to test the grit of even the best and provide a spectacular display of man’s ability to overcome in face of adversity. This year was no exception. The year end match-up consisted of three champions that hale from all over the world. Charles Knechtel from Southern Bavaria, recently came off a charity invitational in Africa for the equal rights of zebras. Our readers may recall that he won last year’s Decatur Classic with an amazing last second 30ft putt that won the extra-innings, tie-breaker hole. In commemoration of the nail-biting event, the course added the hole as a permanent addition to the classic in honor of the struggle between Charles and his opponent, Mark Elkington. Mr. Elkington, the American favorite, was invited once again this year to the classic after a record setting year in the states. It is said that he was so good that Chuck Norris became his caddie in order to learn a few pointers. But everyone’s attention was raptly upon the return to professional urban golf, of legendary, Bobby “Old Man” Kaler. It is said that when the first swing of the first urban-golf club hit the first urban tennis ball, he was there. That he went to high school at Decatur before it was even an urban golf course. That the game of urban-golf may have been started by this great man himself. Surely, the match up of these three great men was one for the ages. Filled with moments that will be long held in the minds of the spectators, reported in every newspaper across the world, and become the stuff of legend that is told to little grandchildren about the fire.
At 1:56 pm Pacific time, December 29th 2009, Old man Kaler won the poke-ball showdown to start the match. Charles gained an early lead after the two holes, but was cut down at the third hole, aptly titled “The Rock” due to its unusual tee-off from a large builder. Here, Charles fell victim to an obstacle on the fairway, a 1992 blue Honda. It seemed as if his urban-golf ball was drawn to it like a magnet and by the time Charles finished the hole, he found himself in one. Old man Kaler quickly took an enormous lead in the next three holes, thanks to his stroke and long drives. Hundreds of years in the making had crafted his swing into the very picture of that “perfect stroke” that golfers only see in dreams…or Tiger Wood video games. But hot on his heels was Mark Elkington, who kept powering his way ahead. As our champions reached the back end, one cold hearted hole crippled Old Man Kaler like ice cripples the elderly. During a long, and technique sensitive putt, Old Man Kaler’s ball bounced into the thick costing him several strokes to get back on the green. When it seemed as if the Old Man would recover, suddenly he had a fatal stroke (literally and figuratively), that would prove to be his maker. The ball went under the gate, and into the tennis court. When the legend himself came back to reality Mr. Kaler found himself three strokes behind Mark and one behind Charles. At this time, Mark seized the opportunity to forge on ahead and maintained a lead until the second to the last hole. Nobody quite remembers how, or when, but Charles Knechtel arose from obscurity like the German’s at the beginning of 1941, and he meant war. Suddenly Mark found himself tied for first at the last hole and a bitter Bobby Kaler one stroke behind them. As often happens during the Decatur Classic it appeared that fate had decided it would come down to the last hole.
The last hole of the Decatur Classic is specifically designed to push the physical and mental abilities of the challengers to the limit. The first part is a cement path of 15 feet in length and but 3 feet in width, hedged by deadly swamp marshes. The end is abruptly met with a high 5 foot fence, which leaves the player but a two foot opening of breathing room. The challenger is faced with to options 1) Trying to tee-off over the fence but run the risk of losing the ball in the woodsy marshlands, which with Urban Golf’s motto “Always play it where it lies”, can mean “Doom”. Or 2) If the challenger has the steady hand of a surgeon and the fluid motion of a dolphin they can attempt to putt the ball along the path and through the small opening in the fence. But even when the urban-golf player makes it past this point the must face a fairway that is littered with trees along the left and a winding road with curbs on the right. Once getting through the fairway the hole itself is a garbage can wedged into the corner of a door, behind more trees and up a bunch of stairs. With all the pitfalls of trees, curbs, cars, fences, stairs and angles the reader can understand why the course has claimed the lives of 52 golfers, including the mysterious disappearance of Adrian Walsh, and since 2002 why only a select few professionals are allowed to contend with it.
Old Man Kaler scoffed at the hole and started with a mighty swing. It seemed to burn through the air but was tragically snapped up by the trees on the left side. Seeing the folley of such a great and wise man such as Bobby Kaler, Mr. Knechtel opted for the putting route. After making an offering of an Eagle to the Decatur Urban Golf Gods, Charles humbly sent his ball along the small cement pathway. Those who witnessed the event say the ball moved as if it had a mind of its own, or perhaps was guided by some unseen deity. Whatever the cause, the result was that Charles’ ball glided safely through fence opening and out onto the fairway. Mark Elkington also followed suite but forgot to make the obligatory offering to the Decatur Gods. In this they were displeased and Mark’s ball did not go straight and true and fell by the wayside. With heroic effort and strength that has not been seen by men in the age Bobby chipped his ball out of the wood/swamp only to be disappointed with the sound of metal fence and his ball once again dropping back down into the gloomy woods. The ever determined Mark pushed forward and under his own strength gained entry into the fairway. A rather defeated looking Old Man Kaler decided to take a drop outside of the woods and fence for the cost of a stroke.
In the fairway, it appeared the Charles had the game in hand has he confidently chipped on ahead. But here in is Charles Knechtel’s greatest weakness. Because of the lack of space in Europe Charles had never quite mastered the long ball and to his utter surprise Mark and Bobby had quickly caught up with him. Seeing that desperate times called for desperate measures Charles turned towards his secret weapon, a move that had saved him despite all odds in last year’s classic, “The Knechtel Lift”. This is where the urban golfer, in order to secure necessary height to clear a curb places the iron directly under the ball and lifts. But in order to be the “Knechtel Lift” the player must master the technique of being able to aim where the ball goes, while lifting, and doing a full swing in order to get decent yardage. A risky maneuver in that you are now having to take all the physics of normal urban golf into consideration while lifting. So putting his trust into every fiber of the iron, Mr. Knechtel allowed the spectators to glimpse this remarkable move. With a swift motion the ball lifted over the curb and seemed to be heading for glory when it fell a bit short of its goal and landed on a haphazard tree root. To his horror this sent Mr. Knechtel’s ball at an opposite angle and landed the ball into the parking lot some distance from the hole. Seeing an opportunity, Old Man Kaler then risked everything by aiming a quick shot along the left side in hopes of reaching the hole first. Sadly, his ball was consumed by bushes. All eyes then fell upon Mark Elkington, Man of the year. With an air about him the emoted “greatness”, “calmness”, and “old spice” he took a well measured swing. They say time froze as the ball sailed 50 feet through the trees, up the stairs, and between five other-world dimensions, onto the green. Charles managed to secure his ball into the hole with an additional two strokes. All Mark needed to do was move the ball around a corner and to the garbage can, a matter of 2 feet in order to secure a tie. The first putt went a little short, but there was still a direct line to the hole. Bobby then finished his round and with one stroke behind Charles. Now Mark just needed to putt about a foot, just twelve-inches to secure the tie. He confidently lined up the putter, and he swung…only to have the earth shake ever so slightly as a large underwater earthquake had caused a giant Tsunami to slam into Forks Washington (Destroying all places known as “twilight” movie scenes to everybody’s joy) which in turn caused the state of Washington to shift but a centi-meter. This slight movement however caused Mark’s ball to miss the hole by what the officials declared “three Adrian chest hairs”. (Close calls are always measured by such according to the official Urban Gold rule book made in 2007)
Charles was ahead by one point, with Bobby and Mark behind by just one. It appeared that the traditional Decatur Classic “Golf Club Chuck” would decide the winner. Bobby, being the eldest, took the first swing. The club soared through the air like a crane across Japan. Mark then answered with the power of a thousand dragons using a thousands rockets. Finally Charles Knechtel, having been trained by the late “Happy Gilmore” himself gave it a running throw that sent his club screeching through the air as the metal actually burned through the earth’s atmosphere. When the dust settled it was undecided who was the victor because as with tradition, nobody had brought a tape measurer or any form of measuring tools. So, as with tradition, the winner was decided by a poke-ball show down. Bobby sent forth a level 50 sandshrew, fierce and terrible. But Charles managed to call upon a level 90 slow-king and smote the sandshrew in the woods. Charles Knechtel, lover of all things peanut butter, arose victorious. Once again the Champion of the Decatur Classic. As with previous matches this had been one for the books. Full of ups and downs, twists and turns, gleeful leaping and angry club throwing. Not everyone can win, but all who survive come out stronger, better, and wiser. Nothing can top what was seen today at the Decatur Classic, nothing at least, until next year.
